i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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