I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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