Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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