ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Text me some of your sweat
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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