youre lurking in front of me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just googled if crying burns calories
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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