if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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