when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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