Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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