I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
