Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You have to summon your inner elephant
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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