did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
