FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
