Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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