I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
