I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize