my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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