We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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