I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
