just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
