Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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