i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
