do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
