you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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