piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
