Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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