Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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