Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
