and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
