Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
