dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
