someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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