the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
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