I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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