his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
