mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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