why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
