I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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