I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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