The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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