They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
