Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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