yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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