and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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