i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
