there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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