new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
