I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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