Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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