ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
