also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How external is "for external use only"?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize