Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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