Soap is not a condiment
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
