The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
