I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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