You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
