i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize