Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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